A common scenario I hear from my clients is how difficult it is when your children are left together because sooner or later, they will end up fighting and this ends up in tears and crying.  This can be really stressful for a parent who is trying get stuff done and you can’t supervise all the time.

1.    Keep track of who starts it!

Sometimes as parents, we tend to react when things get heated with an argument or physical altercations.  If this is the case, we probably won’t have seen who started it.  We all know the scenario.  You’re trying to get dinner.  The kids start squabbling and it turns into a punching match.  You go over to intervene and as you do the youngest child gets hit by an older child.  We tend to reprimand the child who hitting but in fact, that child may have just reached their limit by being teased by his brother and maybe, just maybe, the younger child deserved it!  Keep track (write it down or use a phone) over a period of two to three weeks to see who is actually instigating the fighting.  You may be surprised by what you find out.

2.    Teach them to walk away

It takes two to fight!  If you have a child or children with ADHD, then there’s a chance they may also have emotional regulation deficit.  This means that a child will not have developed age appropriate reactions to dealing with emotions.  (Emotional regulation is a part of executive functioning, which is known to be 30% slower to evolve in the ADHD brain relative to their peers.)  Your child can’t be held accountable for not controlling their emotions if they haven’t developed the skill yet.  However not all children have emotional dysregulation and if they don’t they can be taught to walk away.  Even if this is a younger child, teach the child who may have capacity to learn the skill first.

3.    Explicit instruction for sharing

We forget that sharing, negotiating and acceptance of others is a skill that can be taught.  Children with ADHD have more challenges when it comes to tolerant of others, taking turns and delayed gratification.  ADHD means often that there is no ability to wait to play with something, or reduced ability to switch attention to something else. When children are young, they often want something that the other child wants e.g. a PS4 controller.  One strategy that teaches sharing is getting agreement to give it to their brother after an agreed time period which can be as short as 5 minutes when they are young, extending to half an hour as the children get older.  The parent then sets an alarm for the period agreed and goes back to remind them that it’s time to give over the controller to their brother.  By using this strategy consistently, your children learn to share and learn that if they wait, they will get what they want. (It’s short term pain for the parent for long term gain!)

4.    Give them positive attention

This is one you will have heard before – pay attention to them being good!  It’s so easy to ignore the quiet behaviour and revel in the peace but it’s so important at these times to notice it and give your children praise, or even a physical reward of tokens.  If we only pay attention to the times they are loud and noisy and crying, we run the risk of negative attention being a reward in itself.  The ADHD brain craves stimulation so negative attention is preferable to no attention.  Set yourself a reminder twice a day on your phone to look for behaviour to comment on and reward with positive attention or tokens.

5.    Educate about strengths and weaknesses

There is no doubt that living with a sibling that has ADHD can be challenging.  They can be more demanding, more annoying, more provocative and get more attention and time from parents.  They can also be more loyal, more fun and more creative to play with! Pay attention to strengths and weaknesses and call attention to them to each of your children.  A child who finds it hard to follow rules often is the one who has the best imagination and dreams up the best games.  A child who is constantly looking for attention is the one who will be up for adventure and new challenges.  We all have strengths and weaknesses.  Teach your children about their brother or sister’s strengths and weaknesses and get them to use empathy when sharing a space.  There may be times of the day when one child tends to be more intolerant e.g. after school.  Teach the other to give her space so regulate herself when back at home.

Siblings can teach each other so much but they need guidance.  A shared childhood is a unique experience and your brothers and sisters share something with you than no one else can.  Focusing on teaching them to tolerate each other can create love and lasting memories that we all want, whether we experienced that ourselves or wish we had.

If you need any support with this topic or would like to talk to further, please contact me.